"I Should Know How to Do This": The Silent Shame Around Asking for Help😳

"I Should Know How to Do This"

Somewhere between high school graduation and your first college group project, an invisible shift seems to happen.

You walk onto campus, or log in to your course portal, and suddenly there’s this unspoken expectation: You’re an adult now. You should know how to manage your time, keep track of your deadlines, stay focused, and figure it out.

Except… what happens when you don’t?

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This is a conversation I have with so many students. Brilliant, motivated, thoughtful young adults who are struggling quietly under the weight of invisible executive function challenges. Not because they’re lazy. Not because they’re not trying. But because somewhere along the way, they absorbed the message that asking for help—especially with things they “should” already know—equals failure.

And that shame? It’s heavy. And it’s silent.

The Kind of Student Who Feels This the Most

What I’ve learned from working with students is that this struggle doesn’t just affect those who’ve always had a hard time with school. In fact, the opposite is often true.

It’s the students who care deeply.

The ones who respect their teachers.

The ones who don’t want to let their parents down.

The ones who place incredibly high expectations on themselves.

They’re often perfectionists. People-pleasers. Quiet achievers. And they feel a lot of shame when they realize that staying on top of readings, starting assignments without a panic spiral, or keeping a functioning calendar isn’t as intuitive as everyone made it seem.

But here’s the truth: executive function skills don’t magically appear the moment you enter college. They’re learned. Practiced. Strengthened over time—with guidance.

"Why Can Everyone Else Do This?"

This is the question that echoes in the minds of so many students I coach.

Why does it seem like everyone else can manage their time?

Why can they stay up until 2 a.m. and still hand things in on time?

Why am I the only one falling apart trying to juggle everything?

Here’s the thing. You’re not the only one. You’re just the only one who thinks you are—because nobody talks about this. Executive function struggles are quiet. They look like procrastination, or flakiness, or lack of motivation from the outside. But inside, they feel like fear. Like failure. Like not being good enough.

And when you’ve grown up being the “responsible one,” the “smart one,” or the “hardworking one,” admitting that you’re struggling to even start your essay can feel devastating.

You’re Not Broken—You’re Human

Struggling with planning, time management, or task initiation doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy. And it certainly doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for college.

It means your brain might need some extra support to do what the academic world often assumes everyone can just… do.

And the good news? You can learn it. You can build systems. You can strengthen those executive function muscles in a way that works for you—not someone else’s version of productivity.

What Help Can Look Like

Help doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can look like:

• Learning how to break down a monster assignment into doable chunks

• Figuring out why your planner has never worked for you (and what might work better)

• Practicing how to start something instead of spiraling into avoidance

• Reframing what “productive” even means for your brain

• Talking through what matters to you, not just what you think you “should” be doing

Getting support doesn’t make you weak. It means you’re self-aware. It means you’re proactive. It means you’re willing to unlearn the shame story that says struggling = failing.

Getting Support Means You're Self-Aware

Permission to Be a Work in Progress

If no one has said this to you yet: you don’t have to do this alone.

And you don’t have to have it all figured out right now.

You’re allowed to be a work in progress.

You’re allowed to learn.

You’re allowed to ask for help—even (and especially) when it feels hard.

You are not a failure for not knowing.

You are not a burden for needing support.

You are not behind. You are human. And you are exactly where you need to be to begin again.

If this resonates, and you’re curious about learning how to build your executive function toolkit, you can Learn more here

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Failing forward means giving yourself permission to learn how—not just pretend you already know.

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Sarah Zeilstra

Student Success Coach | Recovering Perfectionist | Believer in Second (and Third) Chances

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Interested in Executive Function Coaching?

🎯 For more in-depth support and guidance in creating a system that helps you achieve success in college, executive function coaching can help. Book a free 30 minute consultation. These discovery calls are conversations about what EF coaching entails and exploring whether EF coaching is a good fit for what you are looking for. There is no obligation and you can learn more here.

Have a great week!

Sarah

Sarah Zeilstra Executive Function Coach

About the author

Founder of Student Success Coaching, and creator of the Courseload Management Coaching Program, Sarah Zeilstra brings over 25 years of experience to the forefront of higher education, specializing in empowering students to master their college experience. With a dynamic blend of expertise as a professor, coach, and speaker, she has become a trusted mentor and advocate for post-secondary learners. Sarah is renowned for her innovative and personalized approach to teaching, which focuses on fostering internal accountability, enabling students to confidently tackle their academic workload and mitigate stress. Her dedication to student success goes beyond the classroom as she continues to refine transformative strategies tailored to the unique challenges of college life. Sarah's philosophy that a positive mindset catalyzes the development of skill sets shines through her mentorship, as she works tirelessly to guide students towards unlocking their full potential. Her passion for education and commitment to her students' achievements make her an invaluable guide in the journey towards academic and personal growth.